Loved and It's funny how things change

Looking back on this past year, a lot has changed. To me its funny about how much has changed. A year ago I was just finishing the first semester of my senior year - now I'm graduated. A year ago, I was still working at a law office - now I'm working at a child care. A year ago, I could tell you what my plans were for the next six months - now I can barely tell you what they will be for the next week. A year ago if you asked me what I was hoping for Christmas - I'm a 100 percent sure its different from what I asked for this year. Different things are important to me. Different people have stood out to me. Different things have attracted me.

I am different.

So, you get it - A LOT has changed in 2012.  Somethings haven't, but a lot of times it feels like over this past year, every thing has changed - but one of the things that hasn't changed is how much change stresses me out.

So bear with me, because I am really trying to be the same, to be calm, to be a constant, but its getting hard and I'm afraid and stressed and honestly, I'm not that good at it. (which is weird, because a year ago, I probably would have told you I'm good at everything).


p.s. I hate how serious the above is, sorry.

Loved and I've really really missed you...

Hello friends.  I've missed you all so very very much. A lot has happened. I graduated, got some jobs and internships, quit a job and internship, and now I'm rocking the family business, and I mean really rocking it. I'm not just tooting my own horn, but I'm really good at this staff management/client management/web management stuff, and mostly I enjoy it. What I don't enjoy right now is that I don't feel like its where I am supposed to be and some days, like today knowing that its not where I'm supposed to be makes me feel really lost. Some days, it doesn't and some days it is not so bad. Its really a hit or miss thing. 

When I was little, I got lost in the grocery store. I had told my mom I would go get the bananas and then find her. Here's the thing, as soon as she turned the corner, I realized I couldn't find the bananas and then I couldn't find her. I remember crying/sobbing and just standing there. Honestly it was terrifying. Some nice old lady approached me and asked if I was lost, when I said yes, she took my hand and took me to the front, and then I was found.

That's how I feel now. Except nobody's come to take my hand and help me find my way, and I get it -I'm a grown up now, it doesn't exactly work like that. But a lot of the time I still feel like that scared little girl, crying in the grocery store.

Really, all I know how to say is that I'm lost, and I'm so very lucky to have wonderful people in my life who are just as lost as me. But I'm ready to be found.  Some days, I feel like I'm lost with other people - which I enjoy because knowing they are lost makes me feel like its okay to not have everything figured out.  

I've started going to this really great church, which I'm excited to get involved with. As I talked with someone about getting more involved I made her prioritize them.  She laughed and asked why.  I explained, I've never been a jump right in type of person. I'm more of a test the waters, think about it, and then jump right in person.  I just get overwhelmed. Its one of my tragic flaws. 

Luckily, I have some really really awesome friends near and far and I'm extremely blessed.  I have parents that enjoy my company and who graciously allow me to live with them.

Loved and friendship

Hi friends,

I may have written about this before, may not.  I think friends are the most important thing anyone can have. I *try* to commit to my friends because I think its so important that they know their value and that they are loved.

I tend to be choosy about who I invest time in, because my dear friends: I am in it for the long haul.

Once I choose to be committed to being your friend, I don't think I leave a lot of choice in it for you. (lucky you).  This is also how I get myself hurt/stressed/overwhelmed, because I only want to be/know how to be best friends or acquaintances. I'm not huge on having just regular friends.  Mostly because I don't know how.    And I am really struggling with that right now.

Loved and what I've been keeping

Hi friends.  I want to start by saying that, as an individual, this year has been good.  In general, good things happened. I've grown in positive ways, met amazing people, and been given the chance to fall in love with God over and over again...

But for the people around me. 2012 has sucked. and not just a little bit... but majorly.  I wrote a while back about my friend losing her father.  I'm not sure if I shared with you all that one of my sorority sister's lost her mother. Lastly, I've known for about a month-ish but haven't been able to talk about it. Or not very much at least.

My dear friend, sorority advisor, and role model (emily) lost her baby. I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I found out... You see I was at her house when she secretly took the pregnancy test, I was sitting beside her when she texted her husband to tell her, and I was the first person to know besides her husband.  The funny thing is earlier that night I had asked her about it, I had told her I wanted her to have a baby really bad, and she told me that she wanted one too.  And then she made me keep it a secret. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the worst at keeping secrets. I'd ask her each week, how things were.  She'd smile and whisper that things were going great.  When she finally made the announcement - 4ish months after I found out.... I was thrilled and relieved.

Flash forward to May, the baby is due to be born that month. And then I get an email from our other advisor, telling us that Emily has had a miscarriage.  I have been unable to deal with it. I mean its not fair.  I was born (way more) premature, and I lived.  Jackson died before he got to even see the world. Before the 35 girls in our chapter got to love on him, before we got to buy him cute toys and outfits. It's not fair.

The worst part about all of these sucky things that keep happening are that they are happening to genuinely good people.

Loved and the week

Each week, I seem to start over with a completely new set of goals. It's like somehow over the weekend I get renewed strength and focus and drive. (that will eventually drain out of me by Thursday or Friday).

This weeks goals: Gym everyday (i'll be out of town saturday and sunday though), healthy eating habits 90% of the time.  Finish mailing out graduation thank yous.  Apply for 3 jobs in varying locations.  Plan one trip to see any one of my friends who are living out of North Carolina. Oh, and I should start reading my bible everyday too... because its kind of a good book. 

I was okay with being at home for a while, but it kind of hit me this weekend - that living in my house with my parents isn't exactly where I want to be right now. (and I don't really know where I want to be)

Loved and visiting

Those of you who know me well, would know my sister and I have never been particularly close.

Well, I just got back from visiting her and it was wonderful.  I mean ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.  I had a great time - she said she had a great time - and neither one of us would have said it if we didn't mean it.  I went up to DC with my parents to celebrate for Father's Day.  We went to an amazing museum.

And then we talked about me visiting again.  I don't want to jinx it or anything... but now that we are enjoying each others company, I would consider looking up there for a job.

Loved and my excuse

Hi friends.

Believe it or not, I have a semi-excuse for why I haven't been updating you.  I actually have several.  I've been busy, bored, working, not-busy, traveling, working-out, talking, crying a little, and smiling a lot.

So.  I have lots to tell... but here's the thing - I don't know where to start, or to re-start.   Or if it even matters.  Life get's bogged down, and we change resolutions and change our goals.  I have about a million things to do - every second of every day - but instead of crossing stuff off of my list - sometimes I like to sit in the excitement of it all.

I like to let it all build up.

Let me share with you the best/worst of it all.  I am working for a company doing marketing things.  I enjoy it, for now.  I am working for my mother doing communications/office/you name it things.  I enjoy that to.  I am about to start volunteering/interning/hanging around until they give me a job/can hire people at another company.  I'm nervous about that.

I've been working out every day.  Except Saturdays, because the YMCA doesn't hold convenient hours for me then and I've been busy.  I like working out.  Its kind of like an escape, because when I tell my parents I'm going to work out - they won't tell me no.

I've been missing my friends a lot.  All my friends.  A lot are still around - I've just been missing them - or weird about calling - or blah blah blah. ... but a lot of them are gone for the summer and that makes me sad/weird/I don't really know how to explain it.

I don't mean to overshare/make anyone nervous/worried for me... but I've been crying a little too.  Here are the conditions under which this occurs: a) Its always after I work out b)Its always something that I can't quite put my finger on And c) It only lasts for a few minutes.  Weird right?  My sister said I've always cried a lot - I told her its different this time - because for the last few months I've been really good about controlling it.

I am far happier than I was in school, but far less happy than I remember being a month ago... or compared with last summer.

If you can't tell - I am kind of a mess.  I mean just kind of everywhere. I'm okay with this right now.  I am going to let it build up a little more before I act.  That way I can be sure to only pay attention to the really important things.