Loved and

Over the past few days I have come to a slight realization about my future. I know what I really want to do. I want to love people. Okay - so I know that sounds really basic, but yesterday I was in tears at the airport over someone speaking hateful words about people that I love. 

I want everyone to know that they are loved. By a God that is so much bigger than us and has more love for us then anyone could imagine.  I also want the people who say that they love God to know, that if they say they love him and then don't love their "neighbor" - then they don't get it. 

I know I don't know a whole lot about love. I'm 22 and haven't done a whole lot of dating and whatnot. What I do know about though is being loved. I know that when other people love you what they do. They sing you to sleep every night, buy you presents, try to make you smile. I grew up very lucky, with a family who taught me the importance of loving one another, and who really and truly loved me. 

My heart aches to love more people. If you really know me. You know there is nothing that is more my favorite than meeting new people... and not only meeting them... but getting to be best friends... and in my world best friends are people who you get to really 'love' on. 

I will also be the first to admit. I'm not always good at the loving others part. I know I fall short - but that's why I rely on God - because his love covers it all. 

Loved and It's funny how things change

Looking back on this past year, a lot has changed. To me its funny about how much has changed. A year ago I was just finishing the first semester of my senior year - now I'm graduated. A year ago, I was still working at a law office - now I'm working at a child care. A year ago, I could tell you what my plans were for the next six months - now I can barely tell you what they will be for the next week. A year ago if you asked me what I was hoping for Christmas - I'm a 100 percent sure its different from what I asked for this year. Different things are important to me. Different people have stood out to me. Different things have attracted me.

I am different.

So, you get it - A LOT has changed in 2012.  Somethings haven't, but a lot of times it feels like over this past year, every thing has changed - but one of the things that hasn't changed is how much change stresses me out.

So bear with me, because I am really trying to be the same, to be calm, to be a constant, but its getting hard and I'm afraid and stressed and honestly, I'm not that good at it. (which is weird, because a year ago, I probably would have told you I'm good at everything).


p.s. I hate how serious the above is, sorry.

Loved and I've really really missed you...

Hello friends.  I've missed you all so very very much. A lot has happened. I graduated, got some jobs and internships, quit a job and internship, and now I'm rocking the family business, and I mean really rocking it. I'm not just tooting my own horn, but I'm really good at this staff management/client management/web management stuff, and mostly I enjoy it. What I don't enjoy right now is that I don't feel like its where I am supposed to be and some days, like today knowing that its not where I'm supposed to be makes me feel really lost. Some days, it doesn't and some days it is not so bad. Its really a hit or miss thing. 

When I was little, I got lost in the grocery store. I had told my mom I would go get the bananas and then find her. Here's the thing, as soon as she turned the corner, I realized I couldn't find the bananas and then I couldn't find her. I remember crying/sobbing and just standing there. Honestly it was terrifying. Some nice old lady approached me and asked if I was lost, when I said yes, she took my hand and took me to the front, and then I was found.

That's how I feel now. Except nobody's come to take my hand and help me find my way, and I get it -I'm a grown up now, it doesn't exactly work like that. But a lot of the time I still feel like that scared little girl, crying in the grocery store.

Really, all I know how to say is that I'm lost, and I'm so very lucky to have wonderful people in my life who are just as lost as me. But I'm ready to be found.  Some days, I feel like I'm lost with other people - which I enjoy because knowing they are lost makes me feel like its okay to not have everything figured out.  

I've started going to this really great church, which I'm excited to get involved with. As I talked with someone about getting more involved I made her prioritize them.  She laughed and asked why.  I explained, I've never been a jump right in type of person. I'm more of a test the waters, think about it, and then jump right in person.  I just get overwhelmed. Its one of my tragic flaws. 

Luckily, I have some really really awesome friends near and far and I'm extremely blessed.  I have parents that enjoy my company and who graciously allow me to live with them.