Loved and being reckless

So. Hi, I am graduating on Saturday. Consider this your invitation. I am at a loss for what's next. I am also at a bit of a messy place. I don't want to be a responsible adult. I know that just because I'm graduating, doesn't mean I have to be a grown up, but that's how I am feeling. I am looking for any chance to be reckless. I know that this isn't really okay, but its like the temptation, is too much. I want to cause trouble, do the things I know I shouldn't, and have fun. I will be an adult soon. I will stop being reckless... but for now I just want to have fun and play.

Loved and my very last week of undergrad

This is my last week of undergrad. Ever. I'm having fun, planning big things, and not worrying about what's next. and its very very nice. I am planning fun summer trips and thinking about changing the world. I've decided that is my post-undergraduate career. world-changer. Let me know if you hear of any job openings.

Loved and my impending future

Hi. I have four days left of class, and one day of presentations. I have a list of everything I have left to do, and I really think I can do it. I have some sort of job after school, so I won't feel useless. I have plans with friends. I have an impending trip to Africa. I am so very blessed. ... but I am still not incredibly focused. I still have daily struggles, and 95% of the time, I am so overwhelmed that it makes breathing difficult. but, I am loved first and foremost.... so I think I might be able to handle it.

Loved and this past week

This past week has been awesome in the fact that its my second to last week of undergraduate work. This past week has been awful, for the exact same reason. I'm working so hard, and there seems like I have little to show for it. Also, my introversion is starting to get the best of me. When I sit down to watch movies and do homework, I honestly want to be alone. I'm not angry or sad or anything. I am actually really really happy. I just want to be alone. I can't even describe how happy I've been lately, and it almost seems like something bigger than 'happy' although, I'm not quite sure how to explain it. So this is my blanket apology. I'm sorry that these next two weeks I don't want to 'hang out' I don't want you to 'sit with me' I don't want anything, I just want to be done. But, I'm going to really try, try to 'hang out,' try to not cringe when you decide you want to 'sit with me,' try and accept all the nice actions. I am just honestly super more than happy with nothingness right now.

Loved and check-ups

Recently, one of my absolutely favorite friends lost her daddy. When I first received the news I didn't cry, I just pursed my lip, put my phone down and moved on. Honestly, at that moment, I didn't know what to do. She had recently helped me through the death of one of my sorority sister's mothers, and I remember her saying the best thing I could possibly do is to just be there. That was my intent. I let her know I'd be there if she needed anything, but she's a grown-up and has a lot of really super awesome friends (like I do). So I knew she'd be well taken care of even if I couldn't get to her. I called a few times to her house, to do some check-ups. The first couple of times, I only spoke to her husband. Each time, he seemed thankful that I called and at the end of the call asked me how I was doing. Let's just say, I know he could probably tell, but I wasn't - not really. I was struggling with the reality of all of it. My heart hurt for her, and I knew it wasn't me that could fix it. Also I was overwhelmed with school and future plans and just junk in general. When I did get to talk to her, she told me how happy she was that I got to meet her daddy. I could not even explain to her how much I had enjoyed that. He was absolutely wonderful. Someone who helps to give me faith in humanity as a whole. Also, he is really really funny. Like laughing so hard I can't breathe funny. (one of my favorite qualities). But talking with her, wasn't exactly the same, and I couldn't exactly point out how I could tell so clearly that it wasn't. And I also thought, maybe my own "junk" was clouding things. So, this past weekend, when I called to check up on my dear friend, I figured it out, almost immediately. Its the way she answers the phone when I call. I was reassured when I called to ask when I could see her, and I said "Hey, this is Michelle" and she replied "Michelle, who?" She always answers the phone like that when I call. and I love it. In fact, that's how I can tell when something is really wrong - when she doesn't. That's how I know she's going to be okay. Also, that's when I realized we all have our own "junk" its part of our everyday. I think sometimes God gives it to us to see how we handle it, and I think sometimes he needs us to rely on him and not on others. I've cried a lot through this. Particularly after I got to see her and her adorable daughter and possibly why writing this in the campus computer lab. But this is what I learned: - God heal's all of our wounds - I have really awesome friends, that I possibly love too much - I should enjoy the time I have with others - oh and I should rely on God to deal with my "junk" - Checking-up on others is something that is important I hope this makes the type of sense that I'm meaning for it to make which is: I really love my friends, I really loved my friend's daddy, I really need to learn to let God heal others, I really need to learn to let God deal with my junk.

Loved and my interview

Hey friends. So I had an interview on Friday. Some of you keep insisting to ask me about it. This is why I've been avoiding talking about it. (Also sorry for the no posts lately... I've been *trying* to finish up my schooling and stuff and I enjoy this too much, so I've been using it as a treat for myself.) So. Interview: First off I apparently went to the wrong door, and then I was really nervous. and she was scary and I tried my hardest to make her smile, but honestly I didn't feel confident - and that's not something I'm used to. In other parts of my life, school is winding down. Graduation seems realistic. I have a couple of job prospects outside of this interview. and I am going to Africa at the end of September. That's my life right now.