Loved and back to our focus

Hi friends. I wanted to remind you all why I started this. This is your reminder that you are loved. by God. and that in itself, is a pretty big deal. and by pretty big, I mean huge, unfathomable, universe sized big deal. I just wanted to remind you guys. (also, for those of you who were on the edge of your seats about my competency exams... Let's wait till Thursday)

Loved and I have the biggest test of my collegiate career in 3 hours

Good title, right?

But really... I'm nauseous, light headed, and I only slept 4 hours last night.

Usually I would tell others that there is no way one test can define you. I'm trashing that advice. This one test will define me. It will define me in a way that is different. It will let me know if all the material that I've studied so hard for 4 years is there still, and it will define me in how much I trust myself.

Right now I'm feeling fairly confident. In trusting myself, at least. I know that I am a good student. I know I have some sort of future, and I'm confident in my decisions and their outcomes.

I'll let you know how I feel after the test... because I have round 2 on Thursday.

Loved and friends

Disclaimer: I've started about 4 blog posts in the past 24 hours. I decided I should finish them all. I guess I have a lot of thoughts to share.

Sunday evening, during my weekly bible study, that two of my best friends *tricked* me into starting... I tried to explain to them why I only have best friends. In the spirit of me being transparent here - Let me explain it on here.

If we are called to love others, we should do it whole heartily. I want to be best friends with a lot of people that I meet. Its creepy, in my opinion if I tell them that. The thing is... when I meet them - I see something different. I see their need to be love, the need for them to know what love is. Or I see how much they love others, and I want a piece of that. Being loved/loving others is the best thing.

I would love everyone to 100% everyday, but I don't believe this is truly possible, that's why I can seem standoffish and annoyed at time. Its also because I get nervous. I get nervous that they won't like me, that they will pretend to like me but then talk trash behind my back. Or that I will appear to be fake/pretending.

Reasons I feel this way:
- I've lost many good friends before for dumb reasons.
- I've had people who I thought were my friends, talk about me behind my back
- I'm human
- I feel the same way about other people.

How I can combat this? I may not be able to all the time. But I have the ability to love those whom I feel God has specifically put in my path. The ones that tug at my heart, and make me laugh when I think of them. They give me joy, and they give me the strength I need to attempt loving others and being open.

So, chances are I probably secretly want to be best friends with you, to show you how much I love you, and that God loves you... but I don't know how to without being creepy/overbearing/weird. So, if it seems that I'm standoffish, bitchy, etc- now you know why.

Loved and similarities

Let's talk about this Hunger Games craze that is going on... Yesterday my friend and I were talking about it, I told her I was meaning to read it - and that I just haven't gotten the chance. We decided I would read it this week and then we'd see the movie this weekend.

And that was the end of that(for right then). Then we were talking about our lives and I mentioned another friend of mine. A friend who is seriously one of my best friends in the world. She looked at me and said with all seriousness, "You need to read The Hunger Games." Immediately I was curious. Why I thought? So after we watched a little bit of the movie 300, and she headed home. I started the book. And finished it.

I get it. I see the similarities between me and the main character, and her relationship with one of the other characters. I totally get it. It also totally stressed me out. I almost don't want to know what happens, like it would provide some type of impact on my future or on my decisions, and I really don't think I could handle that stress on our friendship.

The thing is, after mulling all this over in my sleep. Why am I so worried? I trust in God's plan. I mean, I am one of those people who thinks if its truly meant to be - then it will all happen in due time. I just had kind of closed that door for all the possibilities a long time ago. To tell you the truth, I'm still perfectly content with that. A book, shouldn't have this much impact... and then I travel in my mind to everything I have ever learned about communication theory. For a book to be successful, it had to have a character that individuals can relate to.

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So I actually just got back from lunch with another friend, who has seen the Hunger Games movie, and then read the rest of the book synopsis online. I'd love to say she didn't ruin it for me... but she totally did

She gave something away, and it put me at peace.

Loved and a disclaimer

Hi friends. I know this is a blog, and I know that I was the one who posted the link in various places... but it actually make me nauseous sometimes. Mostly because I'm curious who actually read this - I think if I knew I might be more okay. Someone told me if I feel like that I should write in a diary instead. I told them to mind their own business (obviously I wasn't full of love for them at that moment).

This is important to me. I know what I am saying might not seem important, but to me it is. Possibly because I'm a little bit crazy, (but aren't we all?). I want to be able to comfortably share my failures and triumphs, and in my mind, I feel nauseous 90% of the time anyways, so its really no different.

I think that remembering that we are loved first and foremost is so very important. Possibly the most important thing that has ever happened. I just wanted you all to be aware.

Loved and flawed

Hi friends. In case you haven't noticed over this past week, but I'm terribly flawed.

And by flawed, I mean kind of a mess. You think I am put together? Well, those of you know me, won't even pretend that's true - those of you who don't here is insight into my flaws:

1. I think I am hilarious. Not just funny, but I honestly make myself giggle so much sometimes that it hurts. If you don't think I'm funny, then there is a chance that I often wonder why we are friends.
2. I don't know how to have 'friends' who aren't my best friends. That's why I have a zillion best friends - and by a zillion, I mean I made a list the other day, and I have like 12. I just love getting to know people and I have always been taught that quality comes over quantity.
3. I am not a pet person. I like animals, and the idea of having a pet - but I'm probably the only person who will pet a dog and talk about how cute it is, and follow it with "You're cute, but not cute enough for me to want to take care of you" I don't want responsibility for something that could run away/bite me/lick me/poop on the floor... at least babies grow out of that.
4. I get attached super easy. Like once I decide that we are going to be friends, (read above, meaning best friends) then I'm not giving up without a fight.
5. And this is my biggest flaw, I continually fall short with God's desires and plans for my life. I mean, I know things God wants me to do, and I'm eager to do them - but I don't always do them, and when I do its not always with a willing heart.

Its taken me a long time to accept the fact that I cannot be perfect - but what I can do is love others as much as I possibly can. And I like that, because that means I can have more best friends.

Loved and studying

Hey outside world. Today I am studying. Mulling over pages of words about communication. Its interesting, I mean - it's my major - so obviously I think its interesting. This next week is devoted to communication, until my competency exam on Tuesday and Thursday. Every waking second, (or the second I'm not doing something way more fun) I am going to devote to this material.

I was thinking if I studied the bible with the intentness that I am studying these notes, I would probably be a better person. I know that I'm a "good" person, but honestly, I always feel/know there is room for improvement. If I studied the bible, like I'm studying for this tests, I'd probably be more prepared for the tests God throws my way, I'd probably be more God fearing, and less world focused.

New Goal: Study the bible like I study for competency exams. Like my life depends on it - because it kind of does.

Loved and what's next

Let me preface this by mentioning there is a wasp flying around the Mac lab I'm in right now.

As my earlier post noted, I am reading Kisses from Katie. Her blog can be found here: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

Anyways, I was reading it, and due to my dear friend's concern over me and her saying she was afraid it would ruin me, I've been hyper-aware about how it is making me feel. Honestly, when she said ruin me - I was preparing for all out tears, hysterics, and a mental breakdown. I think now, as I'm nearing the end, I understand what that means. It has ruined me in the sense that when I read it, I start to feel empty. Like my heart is being drained.

I *try* to love people with as much as I have, but its hard to love a lot of people with everything, and a majority of the time - I decide that my heart is full. So they are just out of luck. Like I get to decide who I have to love, and who gets my love. God loved us first, and he didn't pick and choose us depending on the day, and he certainly didn't give us permission to do that to others.

My dear friend, also told me she is nervous about bringing me to Africa, but I am more nervous about not going. Sometimes God puts a clear plan in front of you, often he does not so that we are required to rely on him. I know that God wants me to go at the end of September. I don't know how I will get there, how I will pay for it, or how long I am supposed to go for, but who am I to ask God for what he wants for my life, and then not listen and obey?

Loved and learning

I will be the first person to say, that I truly enjoy learning. I will also be the first person to say, I hate class. I love the sitting in class and the discussion part, I hate the papers, homework, and one sidedness of it all.

There has to be more than that, right? I mean I know that all of this is important, but why isn't there more value on the experience part, the real life part, and the changing the world part.

I am a fan of education, and I truly know the experiences I have in college will be life long lessons. But why can't the life long lessons I have learned elsewhere - the hard ones- why did no one ever prepare me for that?

Also, why is no one teaching others how we can change the world? Isn't that whats the most important?

Right now, I'm reading Kisses from Katie. She talks about how the most important thing for the children is to be loved and to learn about what love is. I fully agree, but I think it should be extended past just children. We should all whole heartedly love each other. Why is no one teaching that?

Loved and silly

Today, I was really busy. I mean, bust in the sense that I woke up and had to get out of bed because I didn't leave myself enough time to really get ready, but I went with it.

I picked up my cap and gown and worked grad fair and walked around and feigned interest in jobs that I could never in a million years actually see myself taking.

And then I walked back into the room where all the seniors were... and flipped out. There, among everyone was an old friend who had moved away at the end of last semester, and was finishing up his college doing independent study in Houston...

GUESS WHAT!? He moved back. Yesterday.

So we were talking, and then we went to lunch. I went to eat ethnic food. For those of you who really know me - you know how I feel about ethnic foods. Not a huge fan. But he was like I really miss this restaurant, can we go there. And I may have a little tiny crush on him. So I was like yeah, that sounds perfect.

Why do I do things like that? Why would you eat food that you hate with someone you haven't spoken to in months? But I must say, it was totally worth it. And I decided we were going to be best friends.

I know, I'm a tad much.

Loved and scared

Today at my school, we pick up graduation caps and gowns, order announcements, and talk with business people about how they should hire us. I am not ready for this.

Everyone keeps saying to just trust in God's plan and it will all be okay. Are they idiots? That sounds like the worst idea to me - I mean I know that its true, but if they could at least be a little more reassuring, it would be greatly appreciated.

Its just, what if my future is something that I am completely unprepared for? Then what?

Loved and a new beginning

I know its March, so its difficult to say that I'm counting this as my new beginning. Today is just a Monday, but when you really think about it, we could count every day, hour, second as a new beginning, a new chance.

Our past doesn't define us, I'd like to think that we are defined by God's love. I'm unsure of the theoretical background of that, but I like the thought that its enough.

So here are my goals:
1. Remember each day how much God loves me and everyone around me.
2. Treat myself and others as something that God loves.
3. Listen more. To others, to myself, to God (not in that order).