Loved and what's next

Let me preface this by mentioning there is a wasp flying around the Mac lab I'm in right now.

As my earlier post noted, I am reading Kisses from Katie. Her blog can be found here: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

Anyways, I was reading it, and due to my dear friend's concern over me and her saying she was afraid it would ruin me, I've been hyper-aware about how it is making me feel. Honestly, when she said ruin me - I was preparing for all out tears, hysterics, and a mental breakdown. I think now, as I'm nearing the end, I understand what that means. It has ruined me in the sense that when I read it, I start to feel empty. Like my heart is being drained.

I *try* to love people with as much as I have, but its hard to love a lot of people with everything, and a majority of the time - I decide that my heart is full. So they are just out of luck. Like I get to decide who I have to love, and who gets my love. God loved us first, and he didn't pick and choose us depending on the day, and he certainly didn't give us permission to do that to others.

My dear friend, also told me she is nervous about bringing me to Africa, but I am more nervous about not going. Sometimes God puts a clear plan in front of you, often he does not so that we are required to rely on him. I know that God wants me to go at the end of September. I don't know how I will get there, how I will pay for it, or how long I am supposed to go for, but who am I to ask God for what he wants for my life, and then not listen and obey?